Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
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*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.