When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
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Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.
Tomorrow is open Mike night.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I’ve had relationships like this
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow