I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
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having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”