Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
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FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.