You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
You Might Also Like
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food