Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
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I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.