Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Breaking news:
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?