Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD