You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I would move hell over six inches for you
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”