Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
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HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men