*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
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8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
This is Sparta
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have