Not all heroes wear capes….
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I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”