“just sayin” who asked you though?
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.