British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 馃槶
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If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
I鈥檓 crying im so happy for them
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don鈥檛 you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I鈥檓 not going to hit you.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What鈥檚 your point?
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
next level snooze
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned