The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
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[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.