To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
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Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you