The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working