[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Gemma Correll
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.