the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
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Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
commas are like garlic, you measure with your heart
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections