Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
You Might Also Like
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
same vibe as tangled headphones
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops