Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
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By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.