Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
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🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos