When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
@funTweeters I am at your service….
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My beach vacation Google searches