thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”