I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
When they try to steal your moment.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?