My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
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Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
We’ve all been there
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Bobby pin
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Don’t we all.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort