I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
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Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
The morning after pill, but for tweets