Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
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People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?