I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I beg your pardon?
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.