[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
You Might Also Like
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Happy Taco Tuesday
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time