I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
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octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet