babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
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My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
just make the entire table out of coaster
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.