I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Clients after you give them your rates
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.