[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
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“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.