Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
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I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.