“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS