Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
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How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous