My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
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If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
This will never not be funny 😭
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Children of the corn 🌽
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.