Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
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Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.