I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
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If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Noah
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.