*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
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Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word