me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You Might Also Like
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Apparently it’s okay for the office to have “casual Friday’s,” but “nudist Tuesday’s” are frowned upon. How embarrassing for me.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”