ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
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I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.