If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
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Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh