CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
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I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.