You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
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“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Worth remembering.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.