Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
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{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun