If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
それは草
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.