[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
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There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Just as the prophecy foretold
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?