Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
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Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?